Crushing Creativity

Although it’s been a bit since my last blog post, I have been up here in Northwest NJ having some Oprah “Ah-ha” moments. I’ve decided to unfurl myself from the fetal position, put on my big girl panties, stop using my creativity as a scapegoat and start being a grown-up.

I’ve realized that I have done more in the last several years to crush my creativity than I have to allow it to flourish. Admittedly, there has been a heck of a lot of fear, distraction, and sheer laziness that has kept me from completing and submitting any written works. Ultimately, though, I finally realize I’ve been crushing creativity at every turn with my habits and my mindset.   

I have been winging it. Successful people don’t wing it. I’ve fooled myself into thinking that this is what creativity likes, spontaneity.

It is a lie.

Deep down I’ve always known this.

Now I am going to own it.

First, I have decided that I will no longer put pressure on my creativity to support me financially. Now that my youngest is in school full time and my oldest is half way to college already, it is time for me to “get a job.” I could shut down. I could lambaste myself and my creativity for failing, for not “becoming a writer,” for not bucking up and paying the bills. Instead, I am telling creativity: “I got this.” I will support you. I will find some way to give you what you need while still helping my family financially.

Second, I have decided that I will no longer use creativity as an excuse. My poor sweet fragile creativity, I have thrown you under the bus more times than either of us can count! I have allowed things to fall by the wayside. I have allowed laundry to pile up. Dust bunnies to multiply. Stacks of papers and books to accumulate on every surface of the house. And creativity has shouldered the blame. That alone is crushing. Never mind, the fact that creativity cannot possibly live in an environment of disorganization and chaos. Instead, I am telling creativity: “I will create a place for you to live.” I will get rid of the clutter and get organized.

Third, I have decided that I will stop wasting my energy, my talents, and my creativity on time-sucking activities. I will schedule my time so that I can proactively pursue my passions instead of reacting to others. Because at the end of every day that I have let myself get sucked in by every distraction imaginable, I only become bitter and resentful. Instead, I am telling creativity: “I will create time for you.” I will start each day pursuing my own goals. I will be intentional with my time. So there is always time for creativity instead of it being an oft-forgotten afterthought.

I am (finally) organizing my life for the sake of my creativity (not in spite of it!).

Because I want to do more than wish on stars, I want to achieve my dreams.

Give Me a Sec While I Readjust My Focus

One of my many running mantras is:

Everyone has the time and energy to do what they value the most…

Ultimately, I feel, when we make excuses like “I don’t have time”, or “I’m too busy”, or “I’m too tired”, that it is just another way of saying “It really isn’t important enough for me to make the time.” This is both liberating and restraining because I can tell myself if I really want to do something, I will make time for it but if I haven’t done it then it must not really be that important to me. So if I didn’t make time to write, or exercise, or cook a good meal, or play with my kids, or spend quality time with my husband  –  I guess it means I don’t value those things. Yikes, right?

I have been working on focusing my goals so that at the end of the day I can feel that I put my time towards the things that are important to me. Every day I have been waking up with a positive attitude (or so I thought), telling myself (with a big smile on my face) all the things I am not going to do with my day:  I am not going to waste time; I am not going to be lazy; I am not going to eat junk food; I am not going to lose my patience with the kids, I am not going to be fail at this whole writing thing. At the end of the day I beat myself up over all those things I swore I wasn’t going to do but did anyway. Hmmm. Sounds very negative. I thought because I was happy and smiling, I was being positive…  But, here I am walking around every single day focusing on what I am not going to do, beating myself up for all the things I didn’t do. Every single day I am focusing on the negative. Huh. Who knew?

I recently came across the quote:

What we focus on, we become.

Here I am focusing on all the things I don’t want to be: I don’t want to be a failed writer. I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want to be a bad mom. Why is it at the end of the day, these are the things I feel like I am? It’s the basic law of attraction! It’s like when I tell my son not to hit his brother – what do you think the first thing he does when he’s within striking distance?? Duh. Why would it be any different for me?

It is time to readjust my focus. It’s like I bought a really expensive camera with fancy lenses but have been faking it in point and shoot mode expecting fancy pictures. It’s time to learn how to use my lenses the right way to get the quality pics I want. I need to learn how to focus on the positive, not fake positive focus when I’m really just saying “I won’t! I won’t! I won’t!” then when “I do. I do. I do.” I think “I suck! I suck! I suck!” See how that’s no good?

What I give time to, I value.

What I focus on, I become.

It's not as easy as it sounds! I might need a bit of time. Give me a sec, while I readjust my focus!

In the meantime, here are some other blog entries you might like:

Excuse Me While I Beat Myself Up

No Parking In The Comfort Zone

ISO: Excitement

Excuse Me!

Excuse Me While I Beat Myself Up

I am in the family room of my dirty, cluttered, unorganized home in my PJs, hat covering my unwashed hair, with unbrushed teeth. I have not exercised yet today. I just finished last night's dishes. I can't do anything else until I fold last week's clean laundry because the dirty laundry has overtaken the upstairs. While I fold I am listening to the inspirational podcasts of Elizabeth Gilbert, Magic Lessons.

My eyes are filled with tears, my chest is tight, there is a knot of guilt inhabiting my throat. I am so full of dread and anxiety that I am about to throw it all down and go find a job because now that the kids are in school all I am is a financial burden on my husband. I'm a sub-par housewife and mother and I'm not even writing. Everything Elizabeth Gilbert is saying about living creatively and writing, I already know. I already know the root of my procrastination is fear. That all the other things I do instead of write is just another way of giving myself permission to not do this thing gnawing away at me. I already know that I need to just sit down and write and forget everything else -- forget about who's going to read it, forget about if I'll get an agent, forget about if I'll ever get published. And yet I don't write and somehow my house is still in chaos. I sit here knowing that if I were to ask Liz Gilbert to call me for her podcast, she wouldn't because she'd have nothing left to say to me that she hasn't already said. I just suck and can't seem to do anything right, I can't even write. 

And then suddenly in Episode 6, she and Ann Patchett reach their hands out of my computer screen and grab me by my filthy old sweatshirt and get right up in my stinking face and say to me:

Don't let not writing be one more thing in your life you feel badly about. Don't let it be another weapon you hurt yourself with.

Wow. I guess she does have something to say to me after all. Because, as she says in Episode 7, any talent you don't use becomes a burden. If writing is nothing but a burden, nothing but another chore that I suck at tackling, then it takes away from the very creativity of it. 

So this is what I will try to do: I will try to just sneak in pockets of creativity when I can, try to plug away at this latest project, and not let it be a creativity-sucking source of self-loathing. I will write my blog when I can and not get bogged down with the date of the last blog entry (3 months ago, June 12th). I will embrace my disorganized home as a sign of life being lived and not of my incompetence. If I have to get a job because the kids are galloping towards college, it is not a sign of my failure as a writer. (I will work on believing that last line) 

Thank you for allowing me to take a moment to beat myself up. Now I will get up, brush myself off, and move on. At least I've accomplished one thing today: I've written a blog. The other things will get done eventually... I may even brush my teeth and exercise. Possibly shower after.

The clean laundry

The dirty laundry

Dirty me with my dirty teeth in my dirty bathroom

ISO: Excitement

What excites you? Really excites you? Are you doing that thing/those things as often as you can? Are you allowing people to see what truly excites you? Are you inspired by your excitement? Are others inspired by your excitement?

I watched a video the other night on this subject: A 26 year old millionaire bounced around on stage talking about what gets her excited and how to find out what gets each of us excited. When it was over, I couldn't think of a thing that got me THAT excited. Then, as I went to bed and as I woke up in the morning  – I couldn't stop listing the things that get me excited. Jeez no wonder I couldn't find that one thing that makes me passionate – too many things make me passionate! 

I googled it. There are millions of pages on figuring out what excites you most and finding your passion. Why is it that, as I am pushing forty, I am just now trying to discover this?! Where have I been for the last 30-some years?

Am I the only one? Do you know what excites you? Are you doing it?

Some of what excites me seems so far off, so far-fetched, that I think I've just always gone along doing the small little things that make me and, hopefully, those around me fairly content… But excited? I’m not sure. Scary thought as middle-age is knocking on the door! What am I waiting for? Retirement?

In the video I watched the other night, "Establishing your 'Why'," Peta Kelly talks about finding that big thing that excites you but also the little excitements to help inspire you and pull you toward that big goal.

I thought about listing some of the things that excite me – but the list seemed too long for this blog (maybe next week). But, how do I take my “excitement list” and use that to live?

In his TEDx lecture, "How to find and do work you love," Scott Dinsmore asks “What is the work you can’t not do?” For me, it’s always been writing. And, even though I take tiny little steps towards that goal – the big goal, the idea of being a successfully published writer, seems so far-off, so impossible, that I get stuck. I never make my way towards that goal. But maybe it’s because I never allow myself any excitement, any reward, any passion to pull me forward.  There is no fire behind it. There’s no momentum. I need to find little stepping stones of excitement to pull me forward. Otherwise, I am just paralyzed.

Another great article I found in my Google search is: Guide to Finding Your Passion. A guide to narrow those things that excite me down. How to find the thing that I am most passionate about, make goals, identify obstacles, push away the fears and excuses...  (Maybe that’s for another blog too)

What about you? Do you know what excites you and are you doing it?

I Want To Be Braver Than Katniss #MockingJay

It’s hard to deny that kick-ass Katniss Everdeen is brave. And we can all fantasize that if the fate of the world rested in our hands, we’d kick-ass too. But I want to be brave in the real world. Braver than even Katniss Everdeen. 

In her everyday life, Katniss wasn't all that brave. She didn't have the courage to talk to the boy that gave her the bread. She might have snuck out to go hunting with Gale, but never had the courage to explore any feelings she had for him beyond friendship. She wasn't brave enough to confront her mother about the things that were bothering her. She wasn't brave enough to step out of her comfort zone and make friends at school. Until her sister’s name was called at the reaping, she did not show much bravery. And after that, much of what she did was just a reaction to what was happening to her. 

In my NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) prep, I did some exercises from the Writing the Breakout Novel Workbook by Donald Maass. One of the exercises is to think of a real life hero and the qualities of him/her that you admire. Since my protagonist is a teenager, I tried to think of a teenager I admire. I came up with a young lady from Pitman New Jersey named Katelyn Darrow. When Katelyn was just 12 years old she started a program called Angels of God Clothing Closet to helps families in crisis (such as after a house fire) get some essentials to help keep them going. Katelyn saw a need in the community and was brave enough to fill it. Five years later, Katelyn’s Angels of God Clothing Closet continues to live up to their mission of helping disadvantaged people and relieve financial stress by providing clothing, toiletries, food and more to those in need at no cost to them through their store-front location and also through school supply drives, holiday gift giving, costume donations, etc. Katelyn also works in the community and beyond speaking to groups, scouts, schools. She has won awards and was even on the Steve Harvey show last month.

I met Katelyn last year during her monthly Kids on a Quest meeting in which she shows kids how they can help in their community. Not only is she brave enough to do extraordinary things but she is also 100 % relatable – she is sweet and down to earth. She talked to the kids about normal stuff too – swim team, friends, the homecoming dance. That is the kind of hero I admire. Someone who is ordinary and relatable while having the bravery to do extraordinary things in everyday life.

I wish I had that courage when I was her age. I wish I had that courage now. That is the kind of bravery I want my protagonist to have (in addition to some kick-ass Katniss bravery).

Learn more about Angels of God Clothing Closet including ways you can help at: http://www.angelsofgod.org/help/donate.html

And, in case you've missed the trailer demonstrating some of Katniss’s kick-ass bravery in the upcoming MockingJay movie, check it out at:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_Tsj_wTJkQ

Are you braver than Katniss Everdeen? Do you know someone that is?

Igniting Or Extinguishing The Creative Spark?

I am on the brink. If this is my "make it or break it year" then the month of November, National Novel Writing Month, must be my "make it or break it month." So, today, five days away from NaNoWriMo — I am on the brink.

Perched on the edge of the brink, has led me to extreme introspection. Beyond the obvious "can I do this?" I have also asked myself: "why have I never done this before?" If, at various points in my much younger life — high school, college, young adulthood (i.e. before kids) — I have failed to ignite the creative spark within me, how will I suddenly be able do it now?

A few weeks ago I attended WAMFest (Words And Music Festival) at Fairleigh Dickson University with numerous young college students on the brink of either igniting or extinguishing their own creative sparks. The presenters I saw (Neil Burger, Neil Gaiman, and Salman Rushdie) had all begun reaching for and ultimately achieving their creative goals at a fairly young age. I wondered, what about them gave them the courage to ignite their creative sparks early on and why didn't I? 

Ultimately, I think, I just wasn't ready before — I was too immature. But now, being only slightly more mature, I am ready. Now is my time. This is my year. I am on the brink.

But, what about my daughter who, at ten years old, also sits on the brink — on the edge of childhood and adolescence? Will she have the courage to ignite her creative spark? And, what will I do to ignite it or extinguish it?

I fear that we, normal well-meaning parents, do more to extinguish the creative spark in our children than ignite it. Maybe we are afraid that by signing up our daughter for all the acting classes she's been requesting, we are setting her up for a life of disappointment or failure. Our son may show artistic talent but instead of signing him up for art classes, we sign him up for soccer because it's good exercise. Maybe out of a misguided sense of protection, we'd rather snuff the creative spark in our children then send them out into the big bad world and have someone else do it. Maybe we'd rather our son pursue a career he has no passion for than be a 35 year old living in our basement waiting for the muse. Maybe we'd rather our daughter have a career than wait on tables in some NYC dive while she waits for that big break. Are we doing our children a horrible disservice by never allowing them to burn bright and achieve their creative dreams? Or are we just being realistic?

If I had majored in Creative Writing in college and spent my young adulthood penning trite novels and short stories — where would I be today? Would I still be sitting here on the brink? Would I already be there or would I have long given up trying?

There is no way to really know. I just trust that everything I've done up until now has brought me here and since I am happy where I am, all the what-ifs are meaningless.

However, there are no what-ifs for my children. Yet. I hope that I can help them achieve their own goals whatever they may be and not extinguish them.

How about you? What do you do to ignite or extinguish your own or your children's creative sparks?

Ignite the light and let it shine?

The Week That Wasn’t

Apparently Fall is emerging all around me: the temperature is dropping; the trees are changing colors; and Halloween is fast approaching. Last week I missed Fall unfolding itself right in front of me because I was in my own world. A world where corporations suspend production, where hundreds of jobs are lost, where resumes are updated, and words like “relocation” are thrown around. This is a world I had no intention of being in but there I was – life is fun like that.

I tell myself not to stress about things I can’t control. I tell myself things will work out the way they are supposed to. And I believe it, too. I know that our family will survive the closing of my husband’s workplace. That he will find another job in the area quickly and we won’t have to move. Or, maybe, there will be a company that swoops in at the last second to purchase the plant and continue production.

There is nothing I can do, really, except help my husband update his resume.  My life pretty much stays the same for the moment – I still have the same chores, the same laundry, and the same ever-surmounting to-do list. Therefore, the only logical thing for me to do with my time is to imagine how things will play out. To research the state, the city, the school district, the neighborhood, and the very house that we could live in.

So while things were piling up all around me like the fall leaves outside, I was busy playing with the Realtor app on my phone. Not the best use of my time, but it was cathartic and kind of fun….

It was almost like last week didn't even exist. Last week was the week that wasn't. So, back to reality this week! Back to using my time productively (or at least trying to). Back to using my imagination to write stories (since that’s my goal, right?)! Failing that, I have a new book to read – Allegiant (Divergent Trilogy)comes out today – yay!

It's In My Purse

Hello my dear brave blog readers. Today I am going to take you to a place few dare to go. A place even my husband refuses to enter (for fear he may put his hand into a half-eaten jelly sandwich, pulverized goldfish, or an unwrapped tampon). I am going to take you into my pocket book. Please take appropriate precautions – rubber gloves, hazmat suit, etc….

See, it is time to change purses. And, in the spirit of self-deprecating and humorous excuse-airing I have decided to share this momentous occasion with you. Because, dare I say it, my pocket book is probably some metaphor for my life although, lucky for you, I’m not really going to analyze the meaning now. Instead, I’m just gonna dump it out here on the table so you can have a good laugh at my expense:

1. A church bulletin. 
2. 2 sided 8 x 11 florescent green sheet on Daniel 4 and King Nebuchadnezzar’s pathway from pride of self to praise of God and how we too can do this. 
3. A Thank you card.
4. A receipt for Marshall’s.
5. A letter from my son’s preschool dated May 23rd. 
6. 3 ripped ticket stubs for dance recital dated May 25th and the envelope for the tickets.
7. 5 x 7 of my daughter that I purchased at her dance recital.
8. 2 loose Express gift cards I received on Mother’s Day and the two card holders they came on.
9. Business cards for my local moms club as well as my own personal business cards. 
10. My cellphone.
11. My wallet.
12. Two of my children’s wallets.
13. A wallet containing all my shoppers-club cards.
14. My camera.
15. My Kindle.
16. Large book light received as a free gift from Writer’s Digest books circa 1999.  
17. 1 used tissue. 2 pieces of toilet paper. And one questionable paper towel.
18. 2 almost-dry Sharpies.
19. 1 yellow highlighter and 1 uncapped blue highlighter.
20. 2 pens, 1 dissembled pen and 2 pencils.
21. My daughter’s inhalers.
22. A Pepcid tablet for my dog.
23. A travel toothbrush.
24. Hand sanitizer.
25. Sunglasses.
26. A pony tail holder.
27. An 80 piece bag of gum.
28. A bank lollipop.
29. And the trash from 2 lollipops, 1 piece of gum, and a granola bar.
30. My car keys.
31. Some sort of doohickey that I keep forgetting to ask the kids if they know what it belongs to.

There you have it folks, a quick peek into my scatter-brain disorganized world. In the interest of full disclosure, I will have you know that I cleaned out my purse last Saturday between Acts at my daughter’s recital.

Trapped by Suburban Safety Net?

The Green Day musical, American Idiot, is coming to Philadelphia. I half-watched a commercial thinking that I may like to catch a show when I heard something to the effect of “…follow their dreams or retreat to suburban safety net…” I’ve been pondering this statement over the last few days. Is following your dreams and living in suburbia mutually exclusive? Why do they have to be? Why does living in suburbia have to mean that I’m some sort of artistic sell-out? Am I trapped in a suburban safety net?

No! Sure, it’s easy to fall into a suburban complacency when you are nestled in a cookie cutter development between a Walmart and a Target. It’s easy to drive from soccer to cheer, make dinner, watch a sitcom while folding laundry, go to bed and do it all over again the next day. It’s easy to happily stay in your comfort zone and never take any chances. But this isn’t even using a safety net.

Safety nets are for taking chances. Safety nets are for soaring high above the crowd without the risk of breaking your neck.

I’m not a sellout because of where I have chosen to live. I am a sellout if I don’t do anything with the opportunities I’ve been given. I am a sellout if I don’t take advantage of this huge safety net below me and soar.

I was going to put a clip of American Idiot or maybe Boulevard of Broken Dreams in this blog but as I watched the video mingled with the background noise of Team Umizoomi I thought, "I am too old for this much angst and so is Billie Joe – wash the eyeliner off, man!"

Maybe I am a little bit of a sellout, but f* it. Here’s a clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnQ8N1KacJc

Have the time of your life – use your safety net, seat belt, helmet, knee pads, whatever – just do it!

Excuse Me!

I recently had a melanoma scare (in my head). And, quite frankly, melanoma still hasn’t been ruled out since I have yet to see the doctor (no time). During this frightening half hour I came to the realization that I could die soon. A trip to the doctor for an atypical mole that turns out to be melanoma that has spread to the lungs (my college friends KNEW I’d die of lung cancer!).

You are supposed to laugh. But, while you’re laughing I am defending myself saying “It happens!” Bob Marley died at the age of 36 of melanoma that spread to his brain. Who knew? And - are you kidding me? 36! Look at his legacy! I’m 36! What is my legacy? Sure, I have 3 kids. But what am I teaching them? To say please and thank you (some of the time); to look both ways when you cross the street (1/2 the time); to cover your mouth when you sneeze (most of the time); to wash your hands (almost all the time)?

If I go to the doctor next month and am told I have melanoma that has spread and I’m going to die in 1 year, what would great wisdoms would I want to teach my children before I go? What will they remember of me (that I yelled all the time? That I spent too much time on the computer?)?

As a wannabe writer - what do I have to show the world when I’m gone? A bunch of crappy ½ written stories and novels that my sisters (probably not my husband) will read as they throw them in the recycling bin? And, if I had 1 year to live would I spend that time writing the great American novel? Doubtful. Why? I really don’t even know – I have hundreds of excuses. I’m sure I’ve got at least one excuse each day!

You know what, though, I don’t think I’m much different than anyone in America. No different than you reading this blog (shouldn’t you be doing dishes?). Are these excuses keeping us from living a fulfilled life? (Who really cares about those dishes in the sink anyways?) Are excuses keeping us from achieving the American dream? What is that dream these days? And, does it even matter if we are happy with our excuses?

                There you have it the birth of my blog, 365 Excuses. One woman’s reasons why I may or may not be living a fulfilled life. Excuses for why I may or may not ever be a published writer. Excuses for why I have a sink full of dishes, a sticky kitchen floor, and 3 laundry baskets of clean unfolded laundry. While we are at it – the excuse for why there is cereal on the floor (my 6 year old had to get his own breakfast because Mommy was writing her blog).

                While we are being honest, it will be more like “52 Excuses.”

                Hope you enjoy!