Excuse Me While I Beat Myself Up

I am in the family room of my dirty, cluttered, unorganized home in my PJs, hat covering my unwashed hair, with unbrushed teeth. I have not exercised yet today. I just finished last night's dishes. I can't do anything else until I fold last week's clean laundry because the dirty laundry has overtaken the upstairs. While I fold I am listening to the inspirational podcasts of Elizabeth Gilbert, Magic Lessons.

My eyes are filled with tears, my chest is tight, there is a knot of guilt inhabiting my throat. I am so full of dread and anxiety that I am about to throw it all down and go find a job because now that the kids are in school all I am is a financial burden on my husband. I'm a sub-par housewife and mother and I'm not even writing. Everything Elizabeth Gilbert is saying about living creatively and writing, I already know. I already know the root of my procrastination is fear. That all the other things I do instead of write is just another way of giving myself permission to not do this thing gnawing away at me. I already know that I need to just sit down and write and forget everything else -- forget about who's going to read it, forget about if I'll get an agent, forget about if I'll ever get published. And yet I don't write and somehow my house is still in chaos. I sit here knowing that if I were to ask Liz Gilbert to call me for her podcast, she wouldn't because she'd have nothing left to say to me that she hasn't already said. I just suck and can't seem to do anything right, I can't even write. 

And then suddenly in Episode 6, she and Ann Patchett reach their hands out of my computer screen and grab me by my filthy old sweatshirt and get right up in my stinking face and say to me:

Don't let not writing be one more thing in your life you feel badly about. Don't let it be another weapon you hurt yourself with.

Wow. I guess she does have something to say to me after all. Because, as she says in Episode 7, any talent you don't use becomes a burden. If writing is nothing but a burden, nothing but another chore that I suck at tackling, then it takes away from the very creativity of it. 

So this is what I will try to do: I will try to just sneak in pockets of creativity when I can, try to plug away at this latest project, and not let it be a creativity-sucking source of self-loathing. I will write my blog when I can and not get bogged down with the date of the last blog entry (3 months ago, June 12th). I will embrace my disorganized home as a sign of life being lived and not of my incompetence. If I have to get a job because the kids are galloping towards college, it is not a sign of my failure as a writer. (I will work on believing that last line) 

Thank you for allowing me to take a moment to beat myself up. Now I will get up, brush myself off, and move on. At least I've accomplished one thing today: I've written a blog. The other things will get done eventually... I may even brush my teeth and exercise. Possibly shower after.

The clean laundry

The dirty laundry

Dirty me with my dirty teeth in my dirty bathroom

I Am (clearly) No Jesus Christ

Today marks the start of Lent and for many Christians it means giving up some vice or making some sort of sacrifice in honor of Jesus' 40 days of fasting in the desert. I have to admit that even as a Catholic Elementary student, I don't think I ever made it the full 40 days of giving up anything.

If I were out fasting in the desert and the devil himself appeared before me and offered me food -- I think I would last about one second before I said, "Hell, yes, I'll take that rock-turned-bread!"

I am (clearly) no Jesus Christ!

I mean, I set a goal and about 10 seconds later I am making an excuse why I couldn't possibly get it done. Jesus let himself get hung on a cross! I think I'd be like: "Ummm, Father, I know I said I'd do this but I don't think this is even going to work. These people don't care if I die and come back again. Heck, half the time they don't even understand what I mean when I say I'm coming back...How about I cure another leper or something... They like when I do that..."

I am an excuse maven!

I put off laundry until the drawers are empty.
I need to have a guest en route before I clean my house thoroughly.
I have to have every surface area covered before I organize my papers.
The bathrooms need to look like rest stop restrooms before I clean them.
The stomach bug must be in full force before I disinfect anything.
The buttons on my pants must burst before I cut calories.
Spring must be around the corner before I'll hit the gym.
I can work on a short story for two solid weeks but when it's time to submit it, I fall asleep.
I write an entire novel, then decide I hate the story because it's too cliche.

And so on.

This year, I decided to give the whole giving something up for Lent thing a try. My biggest vice, of course, is the mindless time I spend on Facebook. So, it's only logical I give up Facebook. Since I know I have the willpower of an ant (assuming an ant has very little willpower), I am deactivating my account for the rest of Lent.

Gasp. But how will I get my news? I am keeping my Twitter account (I am no Jesus after all).

Double gasp. But how will you follow my blog? Follow me on Twitter: @excusesbyjulie 
Be sure to like my author page: www.facebook.com/JAChamberlain 
You can also follow by adding my blog (www.365excusesbyJulie.com) to your Blogger reading list.

I'll see you on Facebook after Easter! In the meantime, I'll be busy revising/rewriting my novel (I said I was going to do that, didn't I?) and jumping on the "nutritional cleanse" bandwagon (spring is right around the corner, isn't it?). I'm sure I will be finding excuses to post here in between.

Until then, my mantra:

38 (or so) Reasons Why I NEED To Be A Professional Writer

1. I have to do something productive with the voices in my head.
2. Or go insane.
3. I like to observe human nature.
4. I’d rather not be a creepy eavesdropper.
5. I like to work in my pajamas.
6. And drink lots of coffee.
7. Nobody wants to hear the things I think.
8. The things in my head translate way better on paper (well, sometimes).
9. I’m too practical to be an amateur daydreamer.
10. I’m too impractical for 9 to 5 work.
11. I can’t be bothered with keeping track of insignificant things like what time it is.
12. It’s a more pleasant alternative to housework.
13. My kids already think I am a writer.
14. And want to read the things I have written.
15. I want them to know that if you work hard enough, dreams can come true.
16. And nothing is impossible.
17. I am tired of making apologies and excuses for wanting to be a writer.
18. I have stories to tell.
19. I want my name on published stories, not half written computer files or bunched up papers in a drawer.
20. I want someone to read something I’ve written and say “Wow!” 
21. I want something I’ve written to resonate in someone’s head somewhere.
22. I don’t want to do anything else ever again.
23. Otherwise, I will have failed.
24. Failure is not an option.
25. The only place I am good at lying, is on paper.
26. I enjoy being completely honest about something that is 100% fabricated.
27. Writing is fun (most of the time).
28. I like to entertain people.
29. It’s fulfilling and rewarding when I hit a difficult patch and push through it.
30. Sometimes I can be quite good at it.
31. Most of the time I suck, but proud for doing it anyway.
32. It takes way longer to perfect one sentence than I ever imagined possible, but the after-glow of finally writing the perfect sentence can last days (and maybe longer if that sentence were to echo in someone else’s head -- see numbers 20 & 21).
33. As a writer, I am always learning, growing, evolving.
34. I can’t possibly DO all the things I dream, but my characters can.
35. I am sick of being the person that talks about being a writer but has nothing to show for it.
36. Actually, I don’t talk about it much (just blog about it) – but would like to.
37. Unless someone pays me, I’ll feel like a fraud.
38. I need validation.

I'd rather sit at my computer all day wrestling with one sentence while wearing my PJs, coffee cup in hand, than do anything else (like do something with that bucket that's been sitting back there for a couple of days now).

Yay! I found 38 reasons why I need to be a writer, that trumps the 36 reasons why I won't be a writer. You can read those reasons here.

Oh, wait, it doesn't end there! I just thought of bonus reason number 39 -- I would like the excuse "She's a writer" to cover every weird/antisocial/ditsy thing I do. 

New Year, Same Ole Me?

It’s a New Year, and I've brought the same ole me to the party. I, of course, can pretend that I am going to make and keep some New Year’s Resolutions. I can tell myself I am going to eat those grapefruits I bought for breakfast instead of a bagel and cream cheese. I am going to use that free gym membership I won. I am going to finish my novel and get it published. Polish and submit those short stories sitting on my hard drive. I am going to get right to work each morning instead of wasting time on the Internet waiting for my coffee to kick in. (Actually, I am going to drink a NutriBullet smoothie each morning instead of coffee.) But by mid-January the excuses already start to pile up and I am ready for Girl Scout cookie sales to begin…

New Year, same ole me? Or, maybe it’s time to let go of past failures and excuses, stop simply wanting things and start doing?

A recent blog on Writersdigest.com by author Kerrie Flanagan talks about moving beyond want and start doing… As she says, there are so many things we want – to make them possible we need to stop wanting and start doing.

What will you DO in 2015?

This is the year, I will finish the novel and find an agent. I will invest time in my writing, have confidence in my abilities, and push through to the finish line.

36 (or so) Reasons Why I Will Never Be A Professional Writer

1. I am a Stay-At-Home mom.
2. That lives in the suburbs. 
3. With my husband.
4. And three kids.
5. And I like it. 
6. I like to come home and pull my big SUV into a garage. 
7. I like square-footage and acreage. 
8. I like chemically treated lawns with playsets in the back. 
9. I like a basement full of toys.
10. I like shopping malls. And Target. Even Wal-Mart. I love Costco. 
11. I eat at chain restaurants. 
12. I order pizza from Dominos.
13. I go to a hair dresser to have my hair dyed blonde.
14. I've been known to listen to RadioDisney when the kids aren't in the car. 
15. Once, I even turned on Saturday Night Live to watch One Direction (but fell asleep 10 minutes in and missed their performance).
16. I love Disney World. Love it. Even though I can see the reasons why one might not love it – the crowds, the expense, the tourist traps, the marketing gimmicks, and the complete and total fakeness of everything -- I still love it. 
17. I think Disney World is the happiest place on earth.
18. I can’t describe things in metaphor. If something is good, it’s just “good” not “as good as a hot day at the beach” (see that sucked). And, if something is bad, it’s just “bad” not “as bad as a cup of coffee with no cream or sugar” (again, suck).
19. I use a thesaurus. A lot. So I can make things slightly better than “good” and come up with “propitious” but since I think I've changed the meaning, I go back to good and resign myself to the fact that I am a suck-a$$ writer.
20. I do like New York which seems to be some prerequisite for writerly-types. 
21. I love New York, as a matter of fact – Times Square, Toys R Us, The M&M Store, The Hard Rock Café, FAO Schwartz, The American Girl Doll Store, The Lego Store…
22. I don’t understand why I used the em-dash above instead of a comma or semicolon. 
23. I use too many ellipses. Seriously…
24. I don’t have an MFA but occasionally research it until I see the admissions requirements and then I freak out and close the computer.
25. I cannot recall ever having read anything by Flannery O'Connor, Raymond Carver, John Cheever, James Joyce, or Gertrude Stein. 
26. I could never be a cool beatnik. The closest thing I came was my college cross country road trip in which I happened to bring along a tattered copy of On The Road.
27. I watched On The Road recently and felt anxious. I mean, how could those people live like that – traveling around without an itinerary?!
28. I write detailed itineraries for vacations. The last time we went to Disney World it was 14 pages long.
29. That is the longest thing I've written that I actually let anyone read.
30. I waste too much time on social media.
31. I will now spend the rest of the day checking for comments on my blog (hint hint hint).
32. I want to stay married, though, so I will go clean my house and make some dinner.
33. And check on the kids so Child Protective Services doesn't take them away…
34. Oh, and maybe I’ll go wash everyone’s underwear for good measure.
35. I write clichéd things like “for good measure.”
36. I don’t know whether the period goes inside or outside of the quotation marks above (actually, it should go outside but it didn't look right...)

I Am A Loser Baby #NaNoWriMo

In typical "365 Excuses By Julie" fashion, the excuses in November mounted up faster than lice can reproduce and I failed to meet my National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) goal of writing 50,000 words in one month. 

I fell about 13,000 words short. Here's what my NaNoWriMo words chart looked like:

Although, technically I am a loser, I do *feel* like a winner. (I hope that counts for something) I have about 37,000 words and 127 pages of a novel that I didn't have a month ago. I worked out some plot points, added some twists and subplots, flushed out some characters -- none of which would have happened if I hadn't attempted to write a novel in one month. 

Now, the goal is to continue the momentum and write through December. Then start revising revising revising.

For those goal-oriented and nagging friends of mine (you know who you are) -- my goal is to be finished with self-editing by February (Finish It February) so I can share with my writer's group and other readers. 

(Now I just need a fancy chart like I got on NaNoWriMo.org) 

There Is A Louse In My House #drasticmeasures #amNOTwriting

I've been behind on my NaNoWriMo word count but nothing a few word sprints couldn't solve… But, when you have three children, you never know what surprises might keep you from your plans. This time, it was lice.

Remember my blog post a while back titled "I Wasn't Prepared for THIS!"? Well, add lice to the list of things I did not think of when my children were just a twinkle in my eye. More specifically, the idea that I, at 38 years old, would be experiencing my first case of head lice.

For all of you out there who have not had the wonderful experience of head lice in 2014 – it is not like in the 80s when a treatment of Nix would knock those suckers, eggs and all, out of the park. No, those of us inclined to put pesticides in our hair will soon learn that these lice are immune to it. So, in a word, it’s useless. A fine tooth comb and some time (HOURS A DAY) to sift through your hair is really the only sure fire way. There are natural alternative on the market (like Fairytale Goodbye Lice), and certain shampoos (like Coal Tar Shampoo), certain conditioners (like Suave Coconut Conditioner), and good ol' fashion home remedies (like mayonnaise and saran wrap), plus blow drying and flat ironing. Ultimately, though, you still have to sit and pick those suckers out with a comb every single day. Which I've been doing. Not to mention all the laundry which is a completely separate blog post for me because as some of you know I have been using a Laundromat since March even though I have a fancy washer and dryer in my basement (we have gas/propane/plumbing issues that are going to be solved “any day now”).

Anywho, my excuse for not writing this week thus far is that I have been busy de-lousing. Going  slightly crazy as one does when fear of infestation takes over. One might say I went a little more than slightly crazy when I was alone picking through my long locks, imagining the lice taunting me like the mucus guy in those commercials: "We’re setting up shop in here! You’ll never find us in all these tangles!” That’s when I found myself reaching for the scissors….

Drastic times call for drastic measures

 Take that you lousy louse!

I have to admit it looks cute in a it-looks-like-you-cut-your-own-hair kind of way... More pictures to come (after I find a proper hair dresser to fix it and give me a good dye job). Now off to write (after another trip to the laundromat).

No Excuses, Just Write!

I love National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) for many reasons none of which are the misconception that at the end of the month I will have a completely finished and publishable novel. My goal is simply to have the 50,000 word skeleton of a novel in which I can add the meat during revisions. In a few months’ time, I’d like to have a draft I’m willing to show someone. In the meantime, I am just writing.

NaNoWriMo strips away all my excuses. I am forced to sit down daily and plug away as fast as I can at my novel whether I feel inspired or not. I have to push away all negative thoughts and procrastinations and just write. I don’t have to think of any rules, tricks, or techniques, I just write. I don’t have to worry about what a potential agent, publisher, or audience is going to think, I just write. NaNoWriMo is about finding your voice and telling the story you want to tell and ignoring everything else (like your inner critic).

11 days, 14,000 words, and 45 pages later – I am still writing. Some days the writing is great and I’m excited. Other days, not so much. But I continue to show up and write, when I am lucky the muse joins me. When I’m not so lucky, I push through anyway.

Week two of NaNoWriMo is notoriously tough and I have not been the exception. But I continue to try to push away the excuses and keep going (slowly but surely). What keeps me going is the knowledge that successful novelists have worked this way too. Like Sara Gruen for one. Check out this list of 14 published novels written during NaNoWriMo:
http://mentalfloss.com/article/53481/14-published-novels-written-during-nanowrimo

For tips on getting through the week two blues, check out this entry in the NaNoWriMo Blog:
http://blog.nanowrimo.org/post/102283215611/5-tips-for-nanowrimo-from-gwen-hicks-writers-block

Or, for more info, you can check out these previous blog posts of mine:

NaNoWriMo What?

Need Some Motivation

No Excuses, Just Write!

I Want To Be Braver Than Katniss #MockingJay

It’s hard to deny that kick-ass Katniss Everdeen is brave. And we can all fantasize that if the fate of the world rested in our hands, we’d kick-ass too. But I want to be brave in the real world. Braver than even Katniss Everdeen. 

In her everyday life, Katniss wasn't all that brave. She didn't have the courage to talk to the boy that gave her the bread. She might have snuck out to go hunting with Gale, but never had the courage to explore any feelings she had for him beyond friendship. She wasn't brave enough to confront her mother about the things that were bothering her. She wasn't brave enough to step out of her comfort zone and make friends at school. Until her sister’s name was called at the reaping, she did not show much bravery. And after that, much of what she did was just a reaction to what was happening to her. 

In my NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) prep, I did some exercises from the Writing the Breakout Novel Workbook by Donald Maass. One of the exercises is to think of a real life hero and the qualities of him/her that you admire. Since my protagonist is a teenager, I tried to think of a teenager I admire. I came up with a young lady from Pitman New Jersey named Katelyn Darrow. When Katelyn was just 12 years old she started a program called Angels of God Clothing Closet to helps families in crisis (such as after a house fire) get some essentials to help keep them going. Katelyn saw a need in the community and was brave enough to fill it. Five years later, Katelyn’s Angels of God Clothing Closet continues to live up to their mission of helping disadvantaged people and relieve financial stress by providing clothing, toiletries, food and more to those in need at no cost to them through their store-front location and also through school supply drives, holiday gift giving, costume donations, etc. Katelyn also works in the community and beyond speaking to groups, scouts, schools. She has won awards and was even on the Steve Harvey show last month.

I met Katelyn last year during her monthly Kids on a Quest meeting in which she shows kids how they can help in their community. Not only is she brave enough to do extraordinary things but she is also 100 % relatable – she is sweet and down to earth. She talked to the kids about normal stuff too – swim team, friends, the homecoming dance. That is the kind of hero I admire. Someone who is ordinary and relatable while having the bravery to do extraordinary things in everyday life.

I wish I had that courage when I was her age. I wish I had that courage now. That is the kind of bravery I want my protagonist to have (in addition to some kick-ass Katniss bravery).

Learn more about Angels of God Clothing Closet including ways you can help at: http://www.angelsofgod.org/help/donate.html

And, in case you've missed the trailer demonstrating some of Katniss’s kick-ass bravery in the upcoming MockingJay movie, check it out at:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_Tsj_wTJkQ

Are you braver than Katniss Everdeen? Do you know someone that is?

Igniting Or Extinguishing The Creative Spark?

I am on the brink. If this is my "make it or break it year" then the month of November, National Novel Writing Month, must be my "make it or break it month." So, today, five days away from NaNoWriMo — I am on the brink.

Perched on the edge of the brink, has led me to extreme introspection. Beyond the obvious "can I do this?" I have also asked myself: "why have I never done this before?" If, at various points in my much younger life — high school, college, young adulthood (i.e. before kids) — I have failed to ignite the creative spark within me, how will I suddenly be able do it now?

A few weeks ago I attended WAMFest (Words And Music Festival) at Fairleigh Dickson University with numerous young college students on the brink of either igniting or extinguishing their own creative sparks. The presenters I saw (Neil Burger, Neil Gaiman, and Salman Rushdie) had all begun reaching for and ultimately achieving their creative goals at a fairly young age. I wondered, what about them gave them the courage to ignite their creative sparks early on and why didn't I? 

Ultimately, I think, I just wasn't ready before — I was too immature. But now, being only slightly more mature, I am ready. Now is my time. This is my year. I am on the brink.

But, what about my daughter who, at ten years old, also sits on the brink — on the edge of childhood and adolescence? Will she have the courage to ignite her creative spark? And, what will I do to ignite it or extinguish it?

I fear that we, normal well-meaning parents, do more to extinguish the creative spark in our children than ignite it. Maybe we are afraid that by signing up our daughter for all the acting classes she's been requesting, we are setting her up for a life of disappointment or failure. Our son may show artistic talent but instead of signing him up for art classes, we sign him up for soccer because it's good exercise. Maybe out of a misguided sense of protection, we'd rather snuff the creative spark in our children then send them out into the big bad world and have someone else do it. Maybe we'd rather our son pursue a career he has no passion for than be a 35 year old living in our basement waiting for the muse. Maybe we'd rather our daughter have a career than wait on tables in some NYC dive while she waits for that big break. Are we doing our children a horrible disservice by never allowing them to burn bright and achieve their creative dreams? Or are we just being realistic?

If I had majored in Creative Writing in college and spent my young adulthood penning trite novels and short stories — where would I be today? Would I still be sitting here on the brink? Would I already be there or would I have long given up trying?

There is no way to really know. I just trust that everything I've done up until now has brought me here and since I am happy where I am, all the what-ifs are meaningless.

However, there are no what-ifs for my children. Yet. I hope that I can help them achieve their own goals whatever they may be and not extinguish them.

How about you? What do you do to ignite or extinguish your own or your children's creative sparks?

Ignite the light and let it shine?

Is That A Pencil In My Bed? #amwriting

The other morning, I woke to something long and hard jabbing me in the side. I'll skip to the punch line: It was a pencil. 

NaNoWriMo 2014 (NaNoWriMo What?) is almost here – so I have taken to carrying around a nice sharpened pencil and notes with me everywhere, sometimes even to bed. This might be the longest I've ever prepared to write anything that didn't involve Google, Wikipedia, and Internet distractions (alright, fine, there have been plenty of distractions too but I am *trying* to be good!).

My pencil and I have had some fun the last few weeks – brainstorming, plotting, and outlining. Of course, I've also abused my pencil – thrown it, cursed it, threatened to leave it forever. This outlining stuff is tedious – to think of all the minute details that may never even make it into the novel.

10 more days to NaNoWriMo and we’ll see if my pencil-time has paid off! Of course, then it’ll be time to break out the red pen which I know is even more frustrating hence why I generally give up at that point… But I’m determined not to let that happen again (if only so my daughter can witness me seeing it through)!   

Now excuse me while I go finish plotting with my pencil…

730 Days of Lame Excuses Later...

     I have been toying around with the idea of being a writer for decades - jotting down random notes and pieces of stories in notebooks for more than half of my life figuring one day I'd be a "real" writer. A few years back, as I watched my babies turn into big kids right before my eyes, I realized - if I don't make this work NOW, when will I?

     At some point on my quest to make this writing thing work, I came across a blog titled something to the effect of "365 Days of Novel Writing" (although I can't seem to find it now). Essentially, a women was blogging about her journey to write a novel in one year (I have no idea if she wrote that novel or what became of it). When I saw the blog I scoffed at myself and thought I should write a blog titled "365 Excuses NOT to Write a Novel" because knowing my undisciplined procrastinating self, I figured that is what would happen... Thus, the seed was planted...

     Roughly two years ago today "365 Excuses by Julie" was born. 47 excuses later - I still don't have any published short stories or novels but I have been writing more than ever before and will continue to plug away at it... I am gearing up for NaNoWriMo again this year (NaNoWriMo What?) and am not only determined to be a NaNoWriMo winner but to complete a manuscript worth sending out into the world. If for no other reason than to show my children it can be done.

     To celebrate the two year anniversary of my documented writing life (or poor excuse for one), I've put together this "flashback blog." Here are some of the "365 Excuses By Julie" blog posts of note from the past two years:

Excuse Me! - This is my first blog post and, since I almost never talk about being a writer in real life, this is how I "came out" as being writer to all the people I know (virtually). 

I Was Too Desensitized - This blog post after the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting bears repeating for multiple reasons: One, let us never be so desensitized by violence that a headline about a school shooting seems common-place; Two, let us never forget the children and teachers that lost their lives. Three, let us remember the brave teachers that saved their students' lives that day. Four, let us never take advantage of every single day that we have with our own children because it can be ripped away from us in one instant. 

I Need Some Obsession Up In Here - Go head and click this blog entry because not many other people have. This blog article is one of my lowest clicked blog posts so I figured I'd revisit it here. I envy those that have obsessive drive and determination -- those that have let nothing get in the way of their goals and dreams. Those that have succeeded even when their dreams have seemed far-fetched and unattainable. In short, I wish I was a little more obsessive with my dreams... 

Because One Day The Kids Will Be Grown - Just because... 

I Need To Put My Butt In A Chair - Writer's write. Everyday. No matter what. Just write. It doesn't have to be good, it just has to be written. You can't edit or revise a blank page. End of story. I need this reminder glued to my forehead. Because daily I have excuses of why I didn't write when I really just need to put my butt in the chair and write! 

You Don't Really Want A Gift, Do You? -- I have to include this blog in the list because I get a lot of clicks and some flak for writing it. I wrote it because I felt like Teacher Appreciation Day was becoming a way to flaunt Pinterest-prowess and not necessarily a way to show appreciation for teachers. I feel like teachers should be appreciated every day and not just on Teacher Appreciation Day. But I do understand as a homemade mother's day gift hoarder that some teachers (and nurses) do appreciate these gifts and am not really trying to say that they shouldn't get them but just that maybe we should try harder every day to show appreciation... 

I Used To Be The Best Mom - I just like this one because, like most moms, I fall way short of the super-mom I envisioned I would be. 

Worth The Move - I am a strong believer that everyone comes into your life for a reason. Sadly, I have moved away from too many wonderful people. The wonderful ladies from my Moonwriters group being top of the list. I wish my stint in South Jersey wasn't so short but am grateful you came into my life and look forward to working with you ladies if only through Facebook and email. 

If Cliches Came In An Adam Levine Package - Go figure, this is my top clicked blog post. Apparently, if you put "Adam Levine" in your title you get lots of clicks (I wonder what happens if you put Adam Levine in the body of your blog or what if you write the words "Adam Levine" and "body" close together...). Those clicks might not be the most targeted since the blog post has less to do with Adam Levine and more to do with my bemoaning my writing as always sounding trite and cliched. This is a common problem for me and other newbie writers (so much so I have two blog entries about cliched writing). 

Need Some Motivation - As I gear up for NaNoWriMo take two, this seems like a good blog post to include in the list. It has some helpful pep talks from real live successful published authors.

     There you have it - 10 of the 47 excuses I have written over the last two years: Click. Read. Enjoy. Comment. Share. Repeat often.

     Bonus: I was trying to decide what picture to include in this flashback blog post when I came across this picture of Snotty Lottie from my blog post titled I Wasn't Prepared For THIS! So that's my picture this week, just to make you laugh...

I Am Not Meant For This!

     After I put my youngest on the bus, I surveyed the disaster that my children left in their wake, got down on my knees and cried out “I am not meant for this sh$t!” Then my dog put his stinky muzzle in my face, licked the lone tear, and hacked something on my cheek.

    Hopefully, it was the lack of sleep that made me question the 10 years I have spent doing exactly this shit. See, the night before my husband and I were sleeping in our usual positions – on opposite edges of the mattress with our five year old sprawled perpendicular between us – when our son wakes us with the declaration, “I peed myself.” We dutifully sent him off to change and wash his hands while we inched further away from the middle lest the pee touch us whispering blame: Did you make sure he peed before bed? Did you let him have something to drink before bed? You have to actually watch him pee because he lies. Maybe you shouldn't have given him that fourth juice box. The boy returned, crawled into my arms and fell back asleep cradled over the edge of the bed. Me, watching the clock until it was time to go downstairs and make breakfast and lunches, dreading the choices: cereal is processed and has too much sugar; oatmeal but not the instant because that too is processed and has too much sugar; or eggs but only the free range ones from a local farm otherwise the chickens most likely were caged up cannibals injected with antibiotics and hormones. And, for lunch: do I use whole wheat bread or does that have too much gluten? Am I allowed to use peanut butter or is the kid sitting next to my daughter going to go into anaphylactic shock? How about hazelnut, is that actually a nut? 

     Sleep deprivation aside, if I am not meant to do this shit, what am I meant to do? And, why is it that I can’t seem to manage to do the same shit that women were doing for centuries before me? What is my excuse? 

     Logically, I can blame my mother. Maybe she, in the post-feminist world, didn't feel it necessary to prepare me for this shit so logically when I am faced with the conundrums: how do I make this from scratch; how do I iron that; how do I sew this; how do I clean that? The answer is: I don’t f'ing know. And neither does she! So maybe that means I blame her mother or her mother’s mother. Maybe for generations women have been whispering into their baby girls' ears: “You are not meant for this shit.” 

     Now what? Who’s going to do this shit? Are we turning into a generation of stay at home moms that send their two year olds to school because we don’t know what to do with them; send the laundry and the mending out; hire cleaning ladies; cook all our meals with a box, 2 cups of water and a microwave? And, if we absolve ourselves from all activities that were once meant for women, do we then absolve our husbands – are they no longer obligated to fix our cars; mow our lawns; pay our bills? And, if so, what are we all going to do – sit around watching Netflix? Piddling around with novels while really just reading articles posted to Facebook?

     Maybe we just have too much shit to do. Do our kids really have to wear something cute and unique every single day? Does that cute outfit then have to immediately be stain-treated, washed, and folded neatly in the drawer with 20 other cute and unique outfits? Do they have to be in every sport offered per season plus piano lessons, art classes, and Sunday school? Do we have to seek out BFFs for them and make sure to jam-pack free time with playdates so they never feel unpopular at school? 

     Or, maybe, I really am just tired. Maybe I’ll change the pee sheets, take a nap, take a shower, bake those homemade sugar-free, gluten-free, peanut-free muffins I found on Pinterest and feel like supermom by the time the kindergarten bus rolls in... (Or, search for the recipe, get distracted by an article about the Kardashian's until my son's school bus is sitting out front honking at me.).

The Pull Of The PTO

I often wonder how successful female writers/moms structure their time – how do they fit it all in? I, of course, fantasize that they hire out most of their chores, have nannies, and spend very little time with their kids. I am sure; however, this is not true. I am sure that they attack writing with much more discipline than I and therefore are able to actually complete manuscripts and sell them while dinner is simmering in the crockpot.

I am a classic time-waster/procrastinator; therefore, this year I told myself I was going to limit the activities that would keep me away from writing during my kid-free writing time. To that end, I resisted the initial urge to volunteer as a room parent for my children’s classes this year. But somehow as my son’s very sweet kindergarten teacher announced repeatedly that they were still looking for room parents, I found myself volunteering to help. Two days later while the kids were all in school I was sitting in a PTO meeting listening to women debate policies, activities, fundraisers, and budgets. I couldn't help feel it was a colossal waste of time – I mean, really, is my involvement in the Parent-Teacher Organization going to help my children with their education?

Once again, I find myself wondering – was Jodi Picoult ever a room mom? Is Sara Gruen active in the PTO/PTA/Home School Association? Has Jennifer Weiner stood in school during picture day to comb the hair of kindergartners? Has Judy Blume ever sorted Kidstuff books?

I know JK Rowling wrote in a café while her children napped in their prams but I squandered away what little napping time I had on laundry and dishes. According to Wikipedia, Danielle Steel was determined to spend as much time as possible with her own SEVEN children, often writing at night and making do with only four hours of sleep. Apparently Toni Morrison also would write before the kids woke up and after they went to sleep at night. In an interview, she is cited as having said:

“I remember one day when I was confused about what I had to do next – write a review, pick up groceries, what? I took out a yellow pad and made a list of all the things I had to do. It included large things, like ‘be a good daughter and a good mother,’ and small things, like ‘call the phone company.’ I made another list of the things I wanted to do. There were only two things without which I couldn't live: mother my children and write books. Then I cut out everything that didn't have to do with those two things.”

That sounds like a new mantra to me! The look on my kids’ faces when I enter the school for whatever reason is worth every minute I am away from my computer. Yesterday, I may have spent my writing time monitoring school pictures, but as my kindergartner flaunted me around to his classmates, surreptitiously kissing my hand -- I knew it was worth it. I may fail daily at achieving both the title of “Supermom” and “Author” but if I can achieve little advances towards both I am happy and hopefully so are the kids!

How could I resist missing this Field-Day Face just to piddle away at writing?

Settling (In?)

     Stephen King is haunting me. Nagging, more like it. Almost every day I can hear his creepy voice in my head (sorry Mr. King but when you write the kind of stuff you write your voice becomes creepy). Why is he bothering me?  

     It probably all started way back in October. What you didn't know was the 365th day of 365ExcusesbyJulie.com flew by without any fanfare from me. The excuse then? I was gearing up for NaNoWriMo (Say What?) and just never got around to it. Alas, NaNoWriMo was a bust for me as I put writing aside to focus on moving. Which is done. And now the excuse for not writing? I am busy setting in to our new home and community.

     Now, I have that nagging worry that I am again falling into the pattern of just plain settling. Maybe settling is the wrong word as it has the connotation of getting something less than you want/need/deserve. But when you have everything you could possibly need surrounding you (great husband, kids, house, community, friends, etc) it's easy to just settle into the comfortability of it all and not really try too hard. That seems to be where I am settling right now -- happily going about taking care of the kids, doing the chores, puttering around the house, unpacking the random boxes, checking out the town, taking walks... Busy settling in but still not accomplishing any writing goals.  

     Where does Stephen King fit into all of this? In addition to my own nagging guilt over my neglected writing, Stephen King nags me as well. I just can't seem to get him out of my head (creepy, huh?)! In his book On Writing he tells all of us would-be writers to write every single day, even holidays. Which is no surprise, but that doesn't stop my mounting excuses for not writing. As I recall it, he goes on to say something to the effect of: if you are constantly putting off writing to go mow the lawn (or whatever) maybe you should do just that -- go mow the lawn and forget about writing altogether. That's what he tells me everyday: why don't you just go mow the lawn and give up. But I don't want to mow the lawn! I certainly don't want to give up writing -- the thought makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to settle for that!


 
    If the thought of giving up on writing makes me sick, then why is it I can let day after day go by settling into a routine of not writing? There is no good excuse (although I could rattle some off). So now that my family and I are somewhat settled into our new home, it is time to carve out at least a few hours a week to writing. My goal is to write one hour each day between the hours of 2 and 3. And, lock myself away one evening a week to write for an additional 2 or 3 hours. At least until summer when I'll have to switch it up a bit. Wish me luck (and hopefully I can stop hearing Stephen King in my head)!

Boxes For Books

My last post for this blog was November 14th while I was happily up to my elbows in NaNoWriMo. One might think that I have been so busy writing and subsequently editing that I haven’t had a single excuse to share. I wish that were true. Unfortunately, the reverse is true: Excuses abound! My husband took a new job and I had to switch gears and focus on moving. In short, I had to exchange my book for boxes.

The New Year is in full swing and I have not focused on a single writing resolution instead I have focused on housing to-do lists. We have been very fortunate in this market, though, and we are almost at the end of our journey. In exactly three weeks’ time I will be watching the mover’s load our belongings on to a truck. I am sad to leave here only two short years after moving, but I am also excited by the new possibilities this move represents.

And I am excited to get back into a writing routine – to finish the work that I’ve started. Over the last couple of years, I have unleashed my wild writerly mind and it is not happy to be caged while I am busy with other things.

I have given my brain very little time to think creatively unless staging a home counts. I look forward to getting back to my novel, getting back to this blog – getting back to writing.

More to come in 2014! Until then, I’m going to work on my moving to-do lists!

Need Some Motivation

Lagging behind on my NaNoWriMo word count and in need of inspiration/motivation. And, apparently, I feel like sharing so I am plagiarizing NaNo pep talks for my blog this week (It's not really plagiarizing if I state the source, right?).

Here's excerpts from two pep talks that spoke to me. The gist is the same as always: just sit down and write and the rest will fall into place eventually (like in the revising).

Pep Talk from Neil Gaiman:

By now you’re probably ready to give up. You’re past that first fine furious rapture when every character and idea is new and entertaining. You’re not yet at the momentous downhill slide to the end, when words and images tumble out of your head sometimes faster than you can get them down on paper. You’re in the middle, a little past the half-way point. The glamour has faded, the magic has gone, your back hurts from all the typing, your family, friends and random email acquaintances have gone from being encouraging or at least accepting to now complaining that they never see you any more—and that even when they do you’re preoccupied and no fun. You don’t know why you started your novel, you no longer remember why you imagined that anyone would want to read it, and you’re pretty sure that even if you finish it it won’t have been worth the time or energy and every time you stop long enough to compare it to the thing that you had in your head when you began—a glittering, brilliant, wonderful novel, in which every word spits fire and burns, a book as good or better than the best book you ever read—it falls so painfully short that you’re pretty sure that it would be a mercy simply to delete the whole thing. 

Welcome to the club. 

That’s how novels get written. 

You write. That’s the hard bit that nobody sees. You write on the good days and you write on the lousy days. Like a shark, you have to keep moving forward or you die. Writing may or may not be your salvation; it might or might not be your destiny. But that does not matter. What matters right now are the words, one after another. Find the next word. Write it down. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Entire entire pep talk here:
http://nanowrimo.org/pep-talks/neil-gaiman

Pep Talk from Malinda Lo:

Here’s what happens when I sit down to write. First, I turn off my access to the internet by engaging Freedom. (The internet is the number-one killer of writer productivity!) Second, I open Scrivener. (Substitute whatever word-processing program works for you.) Third, I force myself to sit there with my work-in-progress until Freedom says I’m done. (I always set it for at least one hour, and often three.) I don’t allow myself to get up to make endless cups of tea (one will do). I just sit there. That’s all.

How often am I filled with inspiration before I start writing? Pretty much never. Instead, I usually stare at my work-in-progress with a vague sense of doom. I often think to myself: What the hell am I doing in this scene? I don’t understand how to get my characters from Point A to Point B! I really want to check Twitter!

The trick is this: As long as I sit there with my work-in-progress, at some point I will write something, because there’s nothing else to do.

Whatever I write may not be any good, but that doesn’t matter. When you’re writing a first draft—which most of you are doing this month—the most important thing is to keep moving forward. Your first try will be riddled with mistakes, but that’s what revision is for. Right now, you only have to put those ugly, wrong words on the page so you can fix them later.

Read the entire pep talk here:
http://nanowrimo.org/pep-talks/malinda-lo

#NaNoWriMo WHAT?

I am in love. I am all starry-eyed. I am wondering, where have you been all my life?! What has me all a-flutter? A little movement in the writing world called NaNoWriMo.

NaNoWriWhat?

NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month (which is November).  It’s when crazy would-be novelist such as myself set out to write a novel in one month. Or, at least 50,000 unedited words. It’s a way to stifle the inner critic, the mounting excuses, the list of procrastinations, or the myriad of things that get in the way of sitting our butts down in a chair and writing.

The idea of NaNoWriMo started in 1999 when Chris Baty and 20 of his friends set out to write a novel in one month. (What was I doing in 1999? Still dreaming of one-day writing a novel) On the NaNo website, Baty describes that first year:

That first year there were 21 of us, and our July noveling binge had little to do with any ambitions we might have harbored on the literary front. Nor did it reflect any hopes we had about tapping more fully into our creative selves. No, we wanted to write novels for the same dumb reasons twenty-somethings start bands. Because we wanted to make noise. Because we didn’t have anything better to do. And because we thought that, as novelists, we would have an easier time getting dates than we did as non-novelists.

Baty goes on to say that in this process they discovered something they hadn't expected: Novel writing is fun.

Fun was a revelation. Novel writing, we had discovered, was just like watching TV. You get a bunch of friends together, load up on caffeine and junk food, and stare at a glowing screen for a couple hours. And a story spins itself out in front of you.

I think the scene—full of smack-talk and muffin crumbs on our keyboards—would have rightly horrified professional writers. We had taken the cloistered, agonized novel-writing process and transformed it into something that was half literary marathon and half block party.

This sounds like college. I’m in! Seriously. This was made for me!

If the idea of cramming in novel writing in one month college-style – with lots of coffee and junk food and friends – wasn't enough motivation, the deal was sealed when I read that Sara Gruen wrote Water for Elephants during NaNoWriMo. One of my favorite books ever! From NaNoWriMo.org, in 2006:

Then we heard about Sara Gruen. Sara had been one of the first participants to sell her NaNoWriMo manuscript, and had since written another NaNoWriMo novel that had become a bestseller: Water For Elephants. When her new project went out for auction in the fall of ’06, she landed a reported $5.2 million, two-book deal. How did she celebrate? She sat down and wrote another book for NaNoWriMo.

Seriously. Deal sealed.

And, of course, Sara wrote a pep talk directly to me: http://nanowrimo.org/pep-talks/sara-gruen Alright, I don’t own horses, but you get the idea….

So this November, I will be banishing all excuses to write 50,000 words. When I am not blogging, answering my phone, responding to emails, liking statuses on Facebook, or tweeting – I will be writing. When I am not sleeping, I will be writing. When I am not cleaning, I will be writing.

I am not doing this alone, there is an entire NaNoWriMo community to support me. I’m excited. I’ll keep you posted. Or, maybe, I’ll just see you in December

If you want to hear some other authors talk about this crazy idea known as NaNoWriMo, check out:

http://nanowrimo.org/pep-talks/james-patterson

http://nanowrimo.org/pep-talks/john-green

The Week That Wasn’t

Apparently Fall is emerging all around me: the temperature is dropping; the trees are changing colors; and Halloween is fast approaching. Last week I missed Fall unfolding itself right in front of me because I was in my own world. A world where corporations suspend production, where hundreds of jobs are lost, where resumes are updated, and words like “relocation” are thrown around. This is a world I had no intention of being in but there I was – life is fun like that.

I tell myself not to stress about things I can’t control. I tell myself things will work out the way they are supposed to. And I believe it, too. I know that our family will survive the closing of my husband’s workplace. That he will find another job in the area quickly and we won’t have to move. Or, maybe, there will be a company that swoops in at the last second to purchase the plant and continue production.

There is nothing I can do, really, except help my husband update his resume.  My life pretty much stays the same for the moment – I still have the same chores, the same laundry, and the same ever-surmounting to-do list. Therefore, the only logical thing for me to do with my time is to imagine how things will play out. To research the state, the city, the school district, the neighborhood, and the very house that we could live in.

So while things were piling up all around me like the fall leaves outside, I was busy playing with the Realtor app on my phone. Not the best use of my time, but it was cathartic and kind of fun….

It was almost like last week didn't even exist. Last week was the week that wasn't. So, back to reality this week! Back to using my time productively (or at least trying to). Back to using my imagination to write stories (since that’s my goal, right?)! Failing that, I have a new book to read – Allegiant (Divergent Trilogy)comes out today – yay!

If Clichés Came In An Adam Levine Package

According to my social media feeds, Maroon 5 was in town this week – stopping at the Children’s Hospital before the concert. Seems like a great time to write the blog that’s been festering in my mind every time I hear a particular Maroon 5 song on Radio Disney.

Every line of the song is a cliché! Here’s the first several:

I know your insides are feeling so hollow

And it's a hard pill for you to swallow, yeah

But if I fall for you, I'll never recover

If I fall for you, I'll never be the same

I really wanna love somebody

I really wanna dance the night away

I know we're only half way there

But you can take me all the way……

Obviously, Adam Levine did not get the memo that there is a literary war against clichés going on? Doesn't he know that any artist worth his salt should avoid clichés? Clearly, he hasn't read my blog on the subject: Cliche Cached Computer. Or maybe he just doesn't care – he is Adam Levine, after all!

Really, what is the big deal about clichés, anyways? If all clichés came wrapped in an Adam Levine package, I’ll take them!

Fine! I am no Adam Levine (or the female equivalent) and UPS will not be delivering an Adam Levine package to me any time soon (maybe FedEx will?). So, I suppose I will continue to avoid clichés in my writing. Pout.